Adoption reunions 3
If everyone lighted just one little
by Alice Syman
A few years ago a member of my Orphan Voyage Adoption Search and
Support Group in Arizona hosted a Christmas party. The home was
a Christmas Wonderland. Thousands of lights twinkled on the lawn;
the inside looked like a Santa-Land. The atmosphere was warm,
loving and affectionate. The Christmas music and candlelight sparked
some real magic that night.
Each person searching for someone
was invited to light one of the red or white tapers arranged in
a circle around a lighted taper in the center of the dining table.
Those who were already reunited lit a candle for a member who
couldnt attend. Each persons name was called as they
lit a candle. Then, everyone joined hands, observed a moment of
silence and visualized a reunion taking place.
During the next 16 days Janice had
a telephone reunion with her birthfather and two siblings. Sadly,
Victor found out that his granddaughter died 10 years earlier.
Caroles birth-daughter, and Sho-Meis birth family,
were located. Sho-meis mother had died. Carls birth-sister,
who was located in spring, but had not consented to meet with
him, called; they met before New Year! His adopted daughters
birth family was located.
Linda, a birthmother, received word
that the court finally located the record of a son she had given
up. She had also lost custody of several children shed not
seen since they were small. They were now all adults with families
of their own. The night of the party, Linda was home alone, ill,
wondering where her children were and if shed ever see them
again. She knew nothing about our candle-lighting ceremony but
said that suddenly she felt all her children around her and knew
she would see them again. I asked what time this happened. She
said about 7:30 PM. We were lighting candles at 7:30 PM! We located
Lindas children shortly after.
As far as I know everyone at the
party that night has been reunited with the person they were searching
About the author
Alice Syman operated Orphan Voyage of Arizona 12 years and
now operates Orphan Voyage-at-St. Augustine (Florida). Orphan
Voyage, founded by Jean Paton in 1953, was the first search and
support organization for the adoption triad in the US. They have
an adoptee/birthparent memorial site on the web; request guidelines
Adoption Related Searching
These are very basic steps for doing
an adoption search; Adoptee for birthparents; birthparents for
adoptees; adoptive parents for birthparents.
The single difference that distinguishes
an adoption search from any other is that, often, you begin without
knowing the name of the person for whom you're searching. This
is complicated by name changes when birthmothers marry.
You face a two-step process
1. Find the name
2. Find the person
There was a time when searching was
done in isolation and secret. That, mercifully, is no longer true.
There are many places and much help. Assert yourself.
Register with the International
Soundex Reunion Registry
ISRR is a totally volunteer organization thus your complete cooperation
is required. Read carefully and follow their directions to the
letter. Answer every question as thoroughly as you can to give
them details to make a match.
Registration is free (donations encouraged).
Send self-addressed, stamped envelope to ISRR, PO Box 2312, Carson
City NV 89702.
Decide if you will search or hire
Searching is not to be taken lightly. It is a large commitment
of time, energy and emotions you probably didn't know existed.
It is not for the faint of heart. Enter your personal search with
determination and be prepared for challenges, obstacles and disappointments.
You may be facing a long and compelling experience.
If you decide to hire someone to
help you, be prepared to provide information and financial resources
necessary to complete the job. We make no recommendations because
like all other help you hire, there must be a comfortable fit.
Check Reunions magazine Classifieds, your local search and support
organization, the Yellow Pages, the American Adoption Congress,
and others who have searched (whom you know personally or meet
in books and articles).
Join, attend and be active in
a search and support organization; list in their registry
Join a local group for support and assistance. If you were born
or adopted elsewhere, affiliate with a group in that area too.
There are local groups throughout the country. Check Reunions
magazine Classifieds, the Yellow Pages, ask a social worker, minister
or librarian, ask someone who is searching or has searched.
Read, read, read
There are many books about searching and reunions. Many inspire.
Some anger. All teach. You will learn about other people's searches.
What worked. What didn't. Keep your mind, heart, eyes and ears
open to the message of each. Begin at your local library.
If you are an adoptee, ask your adoptive
Most adoptive parents expect their
children to ask for information. Some offer it but most must be
gently confronted. The best outcome should be that your parents
share all the information they have, which sometimes includes
the name and more. If not, they can direct you to the agency or
intermediary who helped make the placement.
Be very circumspect and thoughtful
about why you are searching. Medical information to survive is
probably the most compelling reason to search. Think through what
you hope to find and alternative realities that might be the case.
Try to prepare yourself to be surprised, overwhelmed, disappointed
or even underwhelmed. Use your best judgement. Let everyone adjust
at their own pace.
Resources for beginners
International Soundex Reunion Registry
PO Box 2312
Carson City NV 89702
American Adoption Congress
1000 Connecticut Ave. NW, Suite 9
Washington DC 20036
National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
11426 Rockville Pike, Suite 410
Rockville MD 20852
Search and Support Groups
The Blue Book Birthparent Connection
Encinitas CA 92023-0643
With a Computer
There are individuals, bulletin boards, chat rooms and web sites
on the Internet which you can visit or to which you can connect.
Some of them are hot-linked from here. Also try Yahoo and other
Internet search engines. Resources are added daily.